Infinite Jest

December never felt so wrong ‘cause you’re not where you belong.

My words will be your light to carry you to me.

I got dosed by you and closer than most to you.

Take it away I never had it anyway.

Suicide’s Note:

The calm,
Cool face of the river
Asked me for a kiss.

Sweetheart, your feelings are more important, of course. Of course. Everyone that wanted everything that we would take from them, I don’t wanna know, I don’t wanna know. Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me. No. Don’t. Okay.

Letter written by Charlotte Bronte to her sister Emily, after Emily’s death:

My darling thou wilt never know

The grinding agony of woe

That we have borne for thee,

Thus may we consolation tear

E’en from the depth of our despair

And wasting misery.

The nightly anguish thou art spared

When all the crushing truth is bared

To the awakening mind,

When the galled heart is pierced with grief,

Till wildly it implores relief,

But small relief can find.

Nor know’st thou what it is to lie

Looking forth with streaming eye

On life’s lone wilderness.

‘Weary, weary, dark and drear,

How shall I the journey bear,

The burden and distress?’

Then since thou are spared such pain

We will not wish thee here again;

He that lives must mourn.

God help us through our misery

And give us rest and joy with thee

When we reach our bourne!

I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Why am I doing this to myself? Losing my mind on a tiny error.

you cry & you cry & you want to die.

Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars. Sometimes it’s hard.

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises that you said you didn’t want to fade. But they did and so did I that day.

All I see are dark grey clouds in the distance moving closer with every hour. So when you ask ‘Is something wrong?’ I think you’re damn right there is.

When the stars fall I will lie awake.

You’re my shooting star.

“You should be at university studying English.”

But would that involve leaving my room?

I am bleeding with blood I’d give to you to be the way we were.

If I could fly to you I would to be the way we were.

Don’t be down my friend, don’t do your wrist any harm. You don’t belong on a funny farm.

And I’d rather see you in a party dress than in a hospital gown. I’m not telling you to smile but don’t be down.

Such a brilliant star you are.

I’m so far gone now I’ve been running on empty.

Give me hope in silence, it’s easier. It’s kinder. Tell me not of heartbreak.

I came and I was nothing.

How could you leave me, when I needed to possess you? I hated you, I loved you too.

Let me have it, let me grab your soul away.

You broke my heart. You killed me.

I have not broken your heart — you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine

Hey little train we’re jumping on, the train that goes to the kingdom. We’re happy ma we’re having fun, and the train it ain’t even left the station. Hey little train wait for me, I once was blind but now I see. Have you left a seat for me? Is that such a stretch of the imagination? Hey little train wait for me, was held in chains but now I’m free. We’re hanging in there, don’t you see? In this process of elimation.

It seems as if I have been spending all my life apologizing to you for things that happened whether they were my fault or not.

I am enclosing your pin because I want you to think of what you took from me every time you see it.

I don’t want you to think I would kill myself over you because you’re not worth any emotion at all. It is what you cost me that hurts and nothing can replace it.

~

To who it may concern

Though I am about to kick the bucket I am as happy as ever. I am tired of this life so am going over to see the other side.

Good luck to all.

~

My mind — always warped and twisted — has reached the point where I can wait no longer — I don’t dare wait longer — until there is the final twist and it snaps and I spend the rest of my life in some state run snake pit.

I am going out — and I hope it is out — Nirvanha, I think the Bhudaists (how do you spell Bhudaists?) call it which is the word for “nothing.” That’s as I have told you for years, is what I want. Imagine God playing a dirty trick on me like another life!!!

I’ve lived 47 years — there aren’t 47 days I would live over again if I could avoid it.

Let us, for a moment be sensible. I do not remember if the partnership agreement provides for a case like this — but if it doesn’t and I think it doesn’t, I would much prefer — I haven’t time to make this a legal requirement — but, I would much prefer that you, as executrix under my will, do not elect to participate in profits for 2 or 3 years or whatever it may be that is specified there. My partners have been generous with me while I worked with them. There is no reason why, under the circumstances of my withdrawal from the firm, they should pay anything more.

I could wish that I had, for my goodby kiss, a .38 police special with which I have made some good scores — not records but at least made my mark. Instead, I have this black bitch — bitch, if the word is not familiar to you — but at least an honest one who will mean what she says.

The neighbors may think it’s a motor backfire ,but to me she will whisper — “Rest - Sleep.”

~

My darling, May her guts rot in hell — I loved her so much

~

You cops will want to know why I did it, well, just let us say that I lived 61 years too many.

People have always put obstacles in my way. One of the great ones is leaving this world when you want to and have nothing to live for.

I am not insane. My mind was never more clear. It has been a long day. The motor got so hot it would not run so I just had to sit here and wait. The breaks were against me to the last.

The sun is leaving the hill now so hope nothing else happens.

~

What is a few short years to live in hell. That is all I get around here.

No more I will pay the bills.

No more I will drive the car.

No more I will wash, iron & mend any clothes.

No more I will have to eat the leftover article that was cooked the day before.

This is no way to live.

Either is it any way to die.

Her grub I can not eat.

At night I can not sleep.

I married the wrong nag-nag-nag and I lost my life.

~

To love you as I do and live without you is more than I can bear. I love you so completely, wholeheartedly without restraint. I worship you, that is my fault. With your indifference to me; is the difference. I’ve tried so hard to make our lives pleasant and lovable, but you didn’t seem to care. You had great plans which didn’t include me. You didn’t respect me. That was the trouble. You treated me like a child. I couldn’t reach you as a man and woman or man and wife as we’ve lived. I let you know my feelings toward you when I shouldn’t have. How I loved you, what you meant to me. Without you life is unbearable.

This is the best way. This will solve all our problems. You can’t hurt me further and anyone else. I was a “toll” while you needed me or thought you did. But now that I could use some help, you won’t supply the need that was prominent when you need it. So, good bye my love. If it is possible to love in the hereafter, I will love you even after death. May God have mercy on both our souls. He alone knows my heartache and sorrow and love for you.

~

I have always been such a good girl.

Daddy dear —

As much as it hurts me, I cannot make it this Friday. I may be in very serious trouble. I have always been a very good person, but it looks like I really got in a mess, through no real fault of my own.

I must have been born to suffer.
~

For 23 years we lived happy together. Our married life was ideal, until two years ago when I witnessed Kristy die in the hospital something snapped in me. You remember when I returned from the hospital I broke down. That was the beginning of my illness. Since then my condition was getting progressively worse, I could neither work or think logically. You have been thru “Hell” with me since then. Only you and I know how much you have lived thru. I feel that I will not improve and can’t keep on causing you and the children so much misery. I loved you and was proud of you. I loved the children dearly and could not see them suffer so much on account of me.

Dear Children:

Please forgive me.
~
To No-one and Everyone:

Because of a growing conviction that a hereditary insanity is manifesting itself beyond my control, I am taking this way out — before mere nuisance attacks and rages against others assume a more dangerous form.

~

I want to believe you when you tell me that it’ll be okay.

I try to believe you. But I don’t.

She’s the kind of girl who looks for love in all the lonely places, the kind who comes to poker pockets stuffed with kings and aces.

She’s the kind of girl who leaves out condoms on the bedroom dresser, just to make you jealous of the men she fucked before you met her.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Haven’t had a dream in a long time. See the life I’ve had could make a good man bad.

So for once in my life let me get what I want. Lord knows it would be the first time.